Obsession

I have noticed a pattern in my personality. And my habits. And my life. Whatever I do, I do it so damn enthusiastically. And sometimes it is not at all healthy.

I want to be able to control myself; I don’t want my mind to have control over me. I want it to be what it is supposed to be, A tool made for my use.

Sometimes, when I focus on a subject, I can’t stop thinking about it. It feels as if my mind pulls me into a tornado of hazardous thoughts I never intended to get stuck in. While initially, I am only curious: where has this fragrant breeze come from?

I do not wish it to be that way. If everything is supposed to be uncontrollable, at least my mind must be an extension of my will, not an opposing force to it.

I have considered that I might have ADHD. But I have reason to argue it is not the case.

I am taunting myself. Usually, I operate on outbursts of energy. But now, things have to change. I can no longer afford the luxury of isolating myself from events and activities that trigger my overtly uncontrollable enmeshment in them.

This character flaw of mine is beyond a mere weakness. It is downright a thumbscrew. A device that can be used against me and my will. And I am dying; how much time do I have left? Only god knows how little time I have left.

You see, there are inherent differences between dogs and humans. I once saw a meme of a man and his dog watching the sunset on a beach. The man was thinking: “My rent is due, I need to figure out something.” “That guy at the watercooler said something nasty about my colleague.” “Damn, if Donald Trump gets elected as president again, I will surely be armed with an arsenal of sarcastic comments for my liberal friend.” and, “Why did my ex say that?”

But the dog? He was only thinking of how good it would feel if he could lick his balls right there. And he would do it shortly thereafter.

That is the difference. The consciousness of humans can soar higher than they could ever be themselves. This results in a friction between their ideals and their reality, which in turn brings them pain, the pain of never reaching what they desire the most. And according to my observations and personal experiences, we almost always fixate our eyes on the horizon, on that vague line where we aren’t even sure whether the sun truly meets the sea; as a renowned goddess of Egypt once said, “Forbidden fruit is the most tempting.”

Hence, no. NO. I do not have enough time for my mind to boggle me down. I have so many intense desires that I’ve lost count.

There are definitely merits to having intrinsic values: to be less interested in material possessions and sensual pleasures, and to be less influenced by herds of sheep worshiping artificial totems of superficial values.

But living a thousand years to taste all apples across the universe, my friends, will not be possible, even if you are free of those shackles.